(Thaali, Manthrakodi and Rings – photo by Aashik)

Can’t believe it happened. Felt blessed to have got wedded in the presence of my closest friends. The doubts, the questions, all seem to be vanishing away. And then there are surprises. She finally sang to me. And she sings pretty much better than I expected.

So the reason for my week-long hiatus from blogging is that I got engaged on last Saturday. Yeah! I got engaged. It did not happen overnight, but I didn’t want to announce the news publicly because I messed it up last time. I did not even tell my friends until I was sure about it. And this time, am so sure about what I got.

But it is not a fairy tale love. Though she stays just 2 KMs away from my place, in Thrissur, it is an arranged marriage and we learn many things about each other as we talk every day. It is an interesting process. We have so many opposites on many fronts. And there are so many doubts in both of us about each other. When I crack a joke, am conscious to see if she takes it in the right spirit. When she talks, she seems to be wanting to give me the right impression too. But as we get to speak more, it’s becoming like, “okay, you don’t need to explain it“, and I see it as a positive sign.

I never have believed in an ‘ideal match’. I still don’t believe in it. I think it depends on the couple to understand each other and make compromises and that is what makes an ideal match. Compromises – individually, intellectually, materially and so on… We both are trying to do that. And in that process, we expect hard waters and hope to cruise through them together and understand each other better. So each day we have something new to learn.

Her name is Sony (shortened form of Soniya), and according to a friend “a singer and music fan couldn’t have found a match with a better name” and another friend said, “this is called Poetic Justice! You love music and you get a woman named SONY.” She loves music, yes, and she also likes to sing though she has not sung for me yet. She has promised she will, soon.

Am I excited? Yes, but also tensed a lot. In fact, I could not even sleep through the night before the engagement day as there were so many things haunting me personally. Not related to marriage, but on the personal/family front. I hope that all will be over soon. And I am teaching myself not to worry about things that I have no control over. I hope I can sail through the troubled waters and make things work for us. And make more music (I know it has been a long time since I posted a song here, but I promise more songs will flow after the marriage).

As for now, we need your prayers and blessings…

Do you know how much it means to me when you talk?

When you talk with your sweet, stupid, nothings?

And how much that makes me smile?

And how much I want to be right beside you?

How much I am longing for a kiss, a hug, or just to keep looking into your eyes?

Do you?

2009. What an year this was! Like this dialogue from the movie Forrest Gump says, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” It has been a mixed bag this year. But when was it all good or all bad? Life always kept giving me a lot of surprises. Good and bad ones. And this year been no different. In fact, it was the most happening year in my life to the date.

I had my first audio interview done for Deccan Radio, an internet radio station. The first English song that I composed, arranged and sung – a “Protest Song”, to say it in the Dylan way - had an honorable mention in the Desi Critics Valentine’s Day contest. It was creatively a very satisfying work for me. Then an article about Blogswara appeared in Malayalam Vaarika and my first TV interview came out in Manorama News, again about Blogswara. My cover version of the Malayalam song Picha Vacha Naal Muthal has 5000+ online listeners in Muziboo alone and a total of 1920 mp3 downloads within 4 months (Muziboo and 4shared combined). That is the maximum number of listeners and downloads I have ever got for a song posted online. Last year, I also composed a song for a short film, which is being directed by a friend.

2009 was an year of losses for Keralam on all fronts. Writer Kamala Das, a.k.a. Madhavikutty, passed away this year. Film personalities, including two top actors of the Malayalam cinema like Murali and Rajan P Dev and the very talented scriptwriter-director Lohita Das, bid good bye. Another one was Sainoj, a wonderful singer.

On the personal front, life always teaches it’s best lessons in bitter ways. And it helps you grow stronger through the most hardened ways. That is what I learned experienced this year.

Things which I’ve learned this year:

1) Only you can decide what works best for you. That doesn’t mean you should avoid taking tips or advice from others. Take plenty of these tips/help/advices. Whenever you want or from whomever you want. Think it through for sometime (not for a long time, because the delay can make it letting others decide it for you). And always rely on your instincts to reach the final decision. The end result may not always be happy, but you know that there couldn’t be a better decision.

2) Sometimes you have to take tough decisions in life for yourself. Even when you know that everyone around you whom you care so much about would be hurt and blame you for that decision. But if you are convinced that it is the best decision that you can take and the only one which would work best in the long run, go ahead and do it. Don’t worry too much about who would stand by you and whom you would hurt in the process (it is not as easy as I say it here though). Ultimately, it is about you and your life. No one else knows you better than you.

3) Don’t expect so much love and honesty from all your friends or family, so that you won’t be hurt too much when you do not get the expected amount of love and friendship from them. Most of the relationships work in a make-do way and out of convenience. Understand it and move on.

4) Money does play a big role in life, no matter what the others would poetically say. I would say, “There are only a few things that money can’t buy. For everything else, you need Master Card.” So always keep a balance between earning good and achieving your personal dreams, particularly when you have a family to look after. But do not worry about it, if you are strong enough to raise your middle finger at the world when they laugh at you and call you a loser.

5) There is no such pain as intense as Guilt. It is so powerful that it could destroy you totally. Learn how to get over that by yourself.

6) You don’t have to be nice to everyone. You don’t have to hold back from expressing yourself, fearing what others might think of you. Then you are at the risk of being unjust to yourself. Those who cared to know you in depth would hang on and always be with you. Others would pass and deservedly so. You cannot be friends with everyone in this world.

7) Do not underestimate the so-called “unlearned” ones. During my teenage and the early stages of my adulthood, I used to ignore my Mom’s wisdom. She is about two generations away and I thought that my Mom, who had education only till the 5th grade, could never understand the way things work in my time. And I used to underestimate her wisdom and admired the so-called educated, learned, cultured people instead. But as I grew up, I began to understand my Mother better and now I know that she could be the best advisor when it comes to family, relationships, society etc. The only exception could be the professional advice.

The unforgettable moments of this year:

1) The moment I saw my mother when she was being moved from the cathlab to the ICCU after her third heart attack in a span of two days. She had a terrified look on her face, as if she just saw death. She asked for me and held my hand when I went close to her. She only said, “it was so painful”. One look at her face and I was so afraid that I was loosing her. I told her “don’t be afraid, everything will be just fine”, though I was the most afraid one by then. “I know”, she replied as if to console me. Later when she came back home, she said that she thought she would die in there.

2) The first time I faced the TV camera for Manorama News interview. I was so nervous that I thought I would mess up the whole thing, but luckily I got in to the flow once the interview was started. I could say the right things and it was a success.

What I look forward to in the new year:

There are some exciting things coming up in the beginning of next year. I will write about it as and when it happens. Like I said, life has been a mixed bag through out these years, but at the end of every year, I could see the positives outrun the negatives. This year has made me emotionally and thus personally stronger. I am excitedly waiting for the hardships and happiness that the next year has to offer.

If I am to pick up some of the blog posts from this year for a revisit, the following would make up to the list.

Homosexuality and Our Perceptions
Church & Politics – An Un-Holy Alliance
The times of Times of India
The Dignity of Labor
Pictures of Thrissur Pooram
The Summer Vacation
An Indian non-Thamizhan’s take on SL conflict
The Soul That Knew How To Sing
Aussies, Bollywood, Racism etc
Why do you listen to music?
Before the Rains – City & Village
The WTF advertisements
Walk the Talk, Sir ji!
Paala Poovithalil – Thirakkatha (cover)
The Savita Bhabhi Saga
Age of Statues
Picha Vacha Naal Muthal (cover)
Iniyethra Naal (original composition)
What has made DHRM possible?
A circle of life
Sreemathi Teacher’s English
M G Sreekumar on Tamil songs
Love Jehad?
Bollywood and Indianness

And thanks to you my dear readers/listeners of this blog, for all the flowers and brickbats. You guys too help me so much in the process of learning and growing up. So thank you!

“I used to walk for kilometers to fetch the firewood for half the price of what was available in the neighborhood”. The mother told her son.

“I would walk with your elder brother lying on my shoulder, and the firewood on top of the head and rarely took the bus. Thus I could save 10 paise. I kept those 10 paises until I could make it to Rs. 200 and then I deposited that in the chit company”. Her son smiled, as he’s heard such stories of ‘living and saving within the limits’ from his mom earlier. He had just bought “Imagine“, a documentary DVD of John Lennon for Rs. 600 and a music album of the movie “Radio” for Rs. 160, just to see if Himesh Reshammiya is finally doing a good job on singing.

“I know mom. I remember one such time. We were going somewhere; You, me and two sisters together, I think. We walked all the way to the town and I wore a wooden high-heeled ladies chappal since my rubber slippers had nearly turned paper size. That pair of ladies chappals were abandoned by our neighbor and given to us if I remember it right. It was a hot summer day and I couldn’t walk on the road without the chappals. So after some protests initially, I had to put on those chappals. And guess what? I still remember that chappal, it’s shape and color! I don’t think I would ever forget that.”

“Have you ever thought why I had to do that? I wanted us to live within our limits and without debt. And with the little I could save, I could manage our family and it’s expenses including some weddings.” Mom said. The son took her hand in his hand and looked at her affectionately. He knew he would never understand what she said.

“I’ve worked all these years.” She said. “I’ve worked right from the childhood, starting with the paddy fields of my family in the old days. And now I lay here, not even being able to walk without help.”

“Don’t be silly. Everybody gets old and now is the time for you to relax and rest a bit. And sooner you will be able to manage things on your own. This is just temporary.”

He looked at his mother’s pale face. Her eyes were wandering around the white ceiling of the room; she must have been thinking of the old days. He planted a kiss on her forehead and said in his mind – “Don’t you worry mom, I will take care of you to the best of my capacity. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” Then he prayed to God to keep his sources strong as long as his mother lived. He said, “Dear God, I won’t complain if you give me poverty, push me to debt, leave me living in a hut – but please, please – only after my mother’s time. When her time comes, I want her to leave happily, in prosperity and peace.”

As he looked at her affectionately again, the mother turned a daughter and the son turned a father. A circle of life was just fulfilling.

When bad luck hits, it hits real bad. Life is going through the most severe testing times that I ever had. But the interesting thing is that you grow stronger after every test though you would initially think that it would make you weaker. It also helps you to pause a bit, look at the life and people around you and actually SEE them. It is a great lesson by itself.

My mom had a massive heart attack at home in the last week. She had it twice in just 4 days at the hospital and I thought I would lose her. But all the prayers seem to be answered. She had an angioplasty done and has been moved from the ICCU to a room in the hospital and I am waiting to bring her back home. I believe that prayers and wishes of people can do wonders and I can see that now. I have also learned that Faith, Family and Friends are what a person needs to keep moving forward in life.

I thank all my friends who provided me the emotional support through phone, SMS, emails and in person. It was a great relief. I still need your prayers for my mom though. I couldn’t tell or write to many of my friends because I have been real busy at hospital up to this time and couldn’t leave a word. The only thought I had in mind was to get my mother back. But some of them came over to the hospital. I thank Dr. T V Manikandan (Cardiologist) for taking good care of my mom. He is a very nice person to talk to and was patient to explain everything to us. I also want to thank my friends Ajith and Sijo. Ajith and his friend Manoj personally looked after my mom very well in the hospital ICU and kept updating me every moment of her health. Sijo provided a no-question-asked, un-conditional support when it was asked for and needed the most.

Thank God for friends and family!

This is one of the most bored/depressing weekends. I don’t know if it is the weather today or the recent happenings in my life or a sum of all these that makes me feel blank today. I felt like crying and I thought twice before I just wrote “I felt like crying”. Shouldn’t I have put up a Macho face or a smiley face here instead of writing that?

Why is it so that when you are depressed you do not think about all the blessings that you have but what you do not have? Why is it so that you don’t thank God for the present and worry about the future? Why is it so that you want to hold your pain to yourself and not share it even with your close ones?

But I am thankful for all the wonderful people out there. Friends who SMSed me, called me, emailed me and said “you can talk to me if you feel like it“. Some of them are people whom I never met in my life. I’m also thankful to those who did not call, as I had written to them not to call because I did not feel like talking back then. I am also thankful to my mother who understood me and supported me throughout the recent events.

I have lost much focus on these days. I have lost my day dreams of the future and I need to come back to it. So now I am sitting up here and jotting down things just to remind myself of the things that I think I should do, or I think I want to do, I need to do or things that I really want to do. This is a self-notice post, so it may not be interesting to you at all.

• I want to do more with music. I want to do a music album. Composed and sung by myself. I want to give it my best shot. And as I remain an amateur singer, I would probably name it “The Bathroom Album“.
• I want to do another album where I would only compose songs and get my friends and other music bloggers to sing the songs in it.
• I want to get a job that would let me come home at the end of every workday. I envy people who can go home on every evening after the day’s work. But I think I should consider many other factors before I decide on this.
• I think I should learn how to be happy with the present situation (on all fronts – personal and professional) while not being stuck with it for a long time.
• I think I should stop feeling too much homesick.
• In a few years’ time, I want to stop working for companies and do business of my own. I want to start a web services company. I want to start it by myself and then slowly extend it to a small sized company of 10-20 over the years and keep it growing.
• I think I need to invest some more of my free time to achieve the above. I think I need to expand freelancing a bit more and get a steady flow of clients. Work on a bit hectic night schedules for a better future.
• I want to live and work in Bangalore for a couple of years.
• I want to live and work in a foreign country for a few months or a couple of years.
• I want to try different professions than IT, but need to check if it pays enough to pay my bills.
• I want to become a Radio Jockey.
• I want to get off Internet, job and take a very long vacation. I want to go on a trip, visit many places in India like Delhi, Bombay, Shimla, Kolkota, Haridwar, Jaipur etc. I might visit some of these places in the near future. I aso want to visit Africa, America, France, Germany, Russia, England and Switzerland (I have no particular reason why I mentioned these places).
• I want to fall in love. I should not force myself to it and it should happen naturally, even without me knowing that it is happening.
• I need to prioritize the above mentioned things and read it everyday and do a fact check on a half-yearly and yearly basis.

And I feel so much relieved after writing this!

There are times when you would have to take a decision – a harsh decision that you know if taken would hurt all the people close to you and even yourself. And if not taken, it would hurt yourself and the other party so much more. What’s worse is that it was my fault (a big fault at that) that lead to this decision.

So now I have to tell you this. I am an asshole. I recognize it and admit it. I deserve so much pain. A lot more than what I feel now.

PS: That new phase of life I wrote about will not happen now.

I know that the frequency of posts in this blog for the past week has been very low. I also know that it has been some time since I have posted a song here. The reason is that I am preparing myself to enter a new phase of life, which seems a lot exicting and even more terrifying when I come to think of it. I am talking about marriage.

Being an individualistic person (not that I am very proud of it), I always needed a lot of private space in my life which I never cared to share with anybody, not even close friends. You can tell that by the way I live now; living alone in a guest house room, without sharing the space. I do not regret living that way, because this private space has given me a lot of time and energy to do creative things. It gives me a lot of freedom.

And in a few weeks time, somebody is coming in to that space. Someone whom I am only beginning to know. And then will come a whole new phase of life. Part of it is exciting, of course. Part of it though, quite terrifying. But as the days go past, and after talking to friends and taking tips from them, I have a feeling that everything would work out well gradually, even though I know that I will have to change/compromise/adjust in certain areas of life. One thing that I am certain of is that I am not going to kill the free bird that nests deep in my soul, but okay to control it whenever needed.

Learning about the other person who is going to partner with you is an interesting thing. You even learn a couple of things about yourself in that process. Which makes you look at yourself and wonder if you knew yourself well enough. But the whole preparation for the ceremony and arranging every material thing needed for it (including money) is a hectic process. I don’t know if there is any other phase in life which seems so exciting and boring at the same time.

So right now, life is busy. I focus more on freelancing when I come back to my room after office hours. It helps me to save a few bucks, using which I could buy a Zune player last week and going to buy a good external sound card for my home recordings. So it is good, though sometimes freelancing drives me crazy with lack of good sleeping hours.

That’s a lot of ranting for now. Before I stop, I promise that I will try to be more frequent and will try to post a couple of songs before the big day. And to you I would request to wish me luck.